great expectations :)

Nikhil (my younger brother) is in Kota. The place which gives us yearly harvest of the bestest engineers in town. He is obviously not having a good time there. He is not a geek and never have worked his ass off in studies in last 10 years, things are bound to be tough. 
He calls me everyday...sometime twice or thrice... firing all kind of questions...doubts ....etc etc....
During normal days its fine to give him funda's about how to manage time...how to remain emotionally stable...how to avoid the stupid prick friends... but sometimes when I myself feeling bad...down and out ...and he calls up....i feel " oh God" now what....
At times like these I have two options ... first is to give him a half hearted lecture....the clichéd principles and all what he already know ...and save my face this way.....second option : I tell him that Nik I will call you after some time....i ask for time because I want to tell him the things in which I truly believe. First I have to pump up myself....to get out of the sickening attitude...the miserable pathetic mental state which i had forced on myself.... because if tell him lies...if i tell him the things in which i don't believe,he soon will get that vibe...that didu is lying.


I feel its my moral responsibility to live the way i advise him to live.In this way it helps us both.I promise myself every time i talk to him that i will be the best sister in the world. I would give him every reason to believe that whenever he is in trouble he can call me and i also want his faith to be unbroken...i want him to believe that yes didu can help me out.
This  in turn gives me the strength to be strong..to move on....to know that sometimes you have to be the light house..u cant stop shining...u matter a lot more than u think...there are lot many reasons for u to move on.
Love u my crazy diamond...(nikhil) :) love you for broadening the meanings of my existence. Love you for giving me the strength unknowingly.
Thank u God...i love u ...and u know u love me too ....:) cheers...

Mean it when you say " IT DOES NOT MATTER"

I tried to sleep early today...my schedule these days is of a nocturnal....i sleep around 5am and wake up around 1pm.But of course could not sleep...as they say old(read bad) habits die hard. But never the less good amount of relaxation for body and mind.Sleeping would have been wonderful  but i actually could not do much about it.


While I was trying to sleep my head was so totally full of all kind of thoughts...my test..my test result..memories which i cherish...people whom i love and people whom i lost.I am no yoga guru I have no control what so ever on my thoughts..I simply could not ask my mind to stop...because i like doing this too...i give this bribe to myself that if i study for whole day and complete a target daily i will allow myself to taste the sweetness of memories....and to plan for future.Today it was a special treat because it is a weekend :) .My way of enjoyment.....more liberal i was in my thoughts and the hours to be spent.....although i never wanted this whole night to pass like this...but genuinely  i counted around thousand sheep but  sleep told me to FCUK OFF :P :D....


I was smiling when i thought of all the things which i wanted to do......like my name becoming a "noun"...how would i react when my name is there in the list( the same way a new actor in film industry plans her speech  after winning oscar in her very first movie)....whom all i will invite etc etc....of course main sochne me kabhi kanjusi nahi karti :P .....


certainly there had to be a guy.....(because whenever we girl imagine about our dream world...we are conditioned throughout our lives that it has to have a prince charming otherwise it cant be the dream world) and yes these days my prince charming is none other than Mr. A. felt good...when i was lost in his thoughts....memories were too less so the imaginary part was bound to be higher.....i wanted to go on a world tour.... :) 


suddenly the wicked part of my mind which was for some time sitting idle...came out with something phenomenal.... a simple question....enough to make me ponder over it for hours and then finally getting out of months long emotional honeymoon.
Question it asked was :  is it not  possible for u to put a limit to a open ended set ??..and moreover it is not sensible either...
well what it meant was there are so many things in this world about which i don't even know...there cant be a dearth of prince's in the world.....
All this is a question of  definitions....eg. A stone with a different definition becomes the much beloved diamond !!!!!  and further if we put some faith and love in it... it actually becomes THE GOD....
thats how things are.....thats how world changes..just with slightest of definitions and emotions...
So I changed the definition of my heaven....My heaven will now consist of the better version of myself and not the so called better half of mine....no I am not a half human .....and for sure i do not believe that somebody can compliment me better than my achievements. 


I stretched the things a little further...i was cribbing about being alone from so many days...all the people with whom i talk must have been frustrated because of these complains.....then i thought about the way God has created nature...
I thought about the strongest of creatures....A lion for eg...always stays alone.... does all his work alone...i guess it explains why he is THE KING and not some jackal.
I thought about the Eagle....it never moves in groups...its always alone....no wonder he rules the skies and not pigeons..


I finally decided to "say enough" to my admiration for some people.....yes you may be a demi God...yes you may be too good....yes you may be irresistible....you may be the best person i have ever met...but how does it matter ?? It actually does not matter my dear....now i have realized it.. and i will never allow this feeling to leave my head....
It made me feel so good and so light.....I cant lose myself for anyone...not at any cost....because it is I not world that matters.....

conversations of few wicked minds* :)

A girl called up her ex "boyfriends" after watching the movie Pyaar ka Punchnama(PKP)...She had to make 2 phone calls as this was the number of boyfriends she had. :) 
Here are the conversations .....
1st one (Mr.A..) Girl : hello hero....kya haal chaal...
Mr.A.. : heyyyyyyyyyyy m gud.......was waiting for ur phone call since ages...thot would call u once you are done with your exam...have lot to tell u ....hey raam main to khud hi shuru ho gaya...sorry forgt to ask ki "aapne" yaad kaise kiya...
Girl : tune wo movie dekhi hai PKP ??
A: haan dekhi hai...achi thi ....kya hua??
G: i just wanted to ask that which of the three witches i m closest to :P ...
A: haaaaaaaaaa baby paagal hai kya......how can u even think of it..... agar aisa hota to main ab tak aapke piche na pada hua hota :P ....:D...
G: maska mat maar...sahi me bata....ab line maarne wale jamaane ja chuke...
A: are yaar aap b na....kuch b bolti ho....mujhe sirf itna pata hai ki u are one of my bestest friends....and the only ex with whom I am on talking terms....
G: aahh thnk u ...u made my day  :P ....
A: acha ye sab chodo ....m coming to India in November....and uske baad will go for India bharman with you and other friends.... bada time hua masti kare.....i so miss the good old days....ab saala paisa hai to dost nahi hai na hi time hai... .
G: acha abhi bbye.... will talk later....mom ka phone aa raha hai ....
A: ok ok...u tk cr...all the best...




2nd one ( coincidntly he too is Mr.A)
 A: Hey.... long time....
G: hmmm was kindaa busy....
A: haan wade log...wadi baat...
G: ohhhooooo dont start it again... :) ...aur bata hows work ?
A: mat pooch ....lagi padi hai....work load way more then evr....
G: tell me something new u inefficient moron :D...
A: haha very funny,....
G: hav u seen dat new movi ?? pkp ??
A: ya i did....dar mat kisi ladki ke sath nahi gaya...laptop pe dekhi thi....
G: as if it matters to me :D
A: as if it doesnt :) .....as if i dont know u ...
G: ya ya watevr....acha i was askin ke main un 3 me se kon si ladki jaisa behave karti hu??
A: aahhhh great....isse acha to madam kuch pooch nahi sakti thi...tum kaisi baate karti ho??
G: itna panic mat maar...jo pucha wo bata....
A: kya bakwaas hai....mujhe aise quiz ka part nahi hona....anyways... mujhe tum se kuch jaruri kaam hai 
G: mujh se kya kaam ho gaya tujhe?? matlab hadd hi ho gayi :D...
A: cousin ki shadi hai...shoping karne sath chalna...tum chalogi to "jaldi nipat" jayega 
G: kk kool....badle me mujhe kya milega??
A: long drive pe chalte hain....main ghar se bike utha laaya tha last weekend...
G: sahi hai....m in...
A: aur haan ek naya sports baar khula hai yahan kahin ..hav heard it is gud...M.U. ke agle match me u please join me...
G: sahi hai beta.....sounds koollllllll...
A: dats like my darlo :) 
G: u dint answer my question though... :( 
A: dint i ?? i guess i made it clear a lot many times in 3 years :) ...
G: aaaaahhhhh mr smarty....acha ab gtg....kaam hai...
A: haan madam ham hi velle hai...
G: ya ya ya....watever...by the way I like the zoo zoo adds  nd nt dat stupid abhishek :P 
A: did i tell u dat i hate u wen u do this...
G: as if  .. :P  ....chal anyways....c u ..bbye.. 




P.S. well the girl did feel good....she thought...i wish i could use it as testimonials before my new relationships... :P 


* "conversation is purely fictitious....any resemblance with living person of place is purely coincidental !!!!! "

understanding or memorization

When do we memorize ? My answer is whenever we cant understand a thing we try to memorize it .... of course this assumption and argument holds true only for things which are repetitive in nature. I will quote some examples..
We don't really know the universe and most of natural patterns so we memorize it. Sun rises in east we memorized it earlier than we had explanations for it.
Almost every natural phenomenon we know are a result of our experience and consequently   it becomes our knowledge. One more thing we can infer here is we do not know what we have not experienced.
Now I would like to relate these natural phenomenons to understand human beings. As we humans are inalienable part of nature we must be following some kind of pattern. Of course things vary from human to human and situation to situation.
So for example if somebody/something makes you happy/sad at a point of time ....and after some time you land up in same kind of situation but it does not yield the same result than there can be two probable  reasons : 1. you are not the same person. 2. situation is not same which it may seem to u .
At least now you can be sure of the reason if you analyze it this way.


Now lets take example of a human being whom we are not able to understand but we want to do the same.....what should we do ?? My answer is try to "memorize" him....if you know him long enough than it will be easy to predict him.Now we can get over with the handicap of not understanding him. You are having the edge because he does not know what you are up to. It will save you from lot many heart breaks.


Hope it helps.... :)  cheers :) 

not a poem...series of thots....

sach to hai ki zindagi kabhi kisi ke liye rukti nahi...

par haan kisi ka hona ya na hona iski raftaar jaroor badal deta hai..

ek safar hai ye jisme kuch cheejo ko ham sath leke chalte hai bewajah hi ...

aur kuch hote hai jo jaruri hote hue b piche choot jaate hai...

ek tu hai jiska sath na hona b mehsoos hota hai...

aur ek ye duniya hai jo saath hoke b mahsoos nahi hoti...

koi hai jo aata hai ek hawa ke jhonke sa...thakaan mitane ke liye...

aur koi tufan aata hai piche dhakelene ke liye...wajood tak ko hila deta hai..

jaroorat teri kuch jyada hi hai..isiliye khuda se har roj maangte hai tujhe..

itna agar khud ko ya khud ki khushi ko maanga hota to shayad khuda b maan jaata...

tujhe mera kar dena kya khuda ke bas me nahi ?? 

fir sochti hu wo mera maseeha hai shayad isliye aisa nahi karta...

tu mujh se door hi rahe to acha hai....

kyunki main kho jaati hoon tujh me aise jaise boond zameen me aur  nadi sagar me....

tu mujh se door hi rahe to acha hai ....

kyunki fir kuch behtari ki umeed nahi rahti jindagi se...

jitna upar main uth jaun jindagi me ...samajhna utna jyada mera pyaar tha tumse...

jitni door main chali jau ...samajhna utna jyada mera pyaar tha....

kyunki tum yaad itne ho ki bhulane ke liye itna karna padta hai...

tum to mujh me baste the kabhi....isiliye khud se door jaane ki naubat b aayi hai kayi baar...

tere jaane ke baad dil jo pathar hua...us pathar ke rone ki awaaj b aayi hai kayi baar...

yaad aayegi teri mujhe har pal....pata hai mujhe is baat ka...

par wo mujhe rulayegi kitna ye badal jayega....

main tujhse pyaar karungi hamesha....

par dikhaungi ki nahi ye badal jayega....

insaan badlega ya to kabhi...ya fir uska naseeb badal jayega....

food for thought....my way :)

1. Men always claim to be intelligent than  women but at the same time they crib about the complexity of women i.e. they say that they can never understand women. At the same time women who are considered dumber  know men so precisely that they can predict their actions, a "women" even at age of  10 knows how would a "men" of 12 or 90 would behave. It is let me remind you not the consistency of men but the observation of women.Because a women who have not met many men in her life or of young age also knows a lot.


2.If you find my language confusing......try reading Indian Constitution..


3. Who so ever says math is easy and philosophy is tough ...simply have a lower "human quotient".


4. You can know yourself way better if you stop thinking about yourself  the way others have prejudiced.


5. Time can definitely heal everything but somethings leave a scar  on skin/heart/mind.


6. If a girl is worried about her undone hairs,eye brows,upper lips, waxing etc etc.....believe me a women is loved and admired for the very fact that she is women ....you need not put that much effort....and that too for some one who does not even know what these things stand for.


5. Once a friend said" this guy is so good...but i do not get that"mine" feeling for him,my ex was way less than him but i got that "mine" feeling...do not know what to do...". I replied " I can conclude two things from this statement (a) You do not get "mine" feeling from good things.(b) The things which are yours are not good. 


6. last one mine favorite....


"I guess God wanted to act like Ian Flemming  for some time ....and during this phase... he wrote my life and yes you guessed it right "  :) :) 

zindagiiiii

wo shakhs jo mere dil pe hukumat karta tha kabhi....
wo aaj is dil me jagah ke liye tarasta hai....
kuch us tarah jaise ki ek taaza gira phool tahni ko tarasta hai....
kuch aise hi jaise toota tara aasmaan ko tarasta hai
kuch fakeer ban ke paa jaate hai wo 
jin khushiyon ke liye wo baadshah  ban ke tarasta hai...
kabhi kabhi lagta hai ki khuda b khuda hone ke liye insaan ko tarasta hai...
 khush rahiye har us nemat se jo mili hai aapko jindagi me...
yaa fir us murde ki sochiye jo saans ke liye tarasta hai...
har chahat poori ho jaaye jis insaan ki....
wo b kisi "chahat" ke liye tarasta hai..
insaan b ajeeb hai...aaj ko jeeta nahi kabhi poori tarah 
fir b aane wale kal ko tarasta hai...
hansi aati hai dekh ke ...fir aankhen nam b hoti hai..jab dekhti hoon ki 
"jo kabhi khudi se na mila wo bhi "us" kisi se milan ke liye tarasta hai...
aag ke dariya me hai to fir pyaas b aag se hi bujhani hogi...
kyu tu bin paani machli ki tarah tarasta hai ...
ek mukaam hai..ek raasta hai..ek manjil hai...teri b jindagi ka...
bas jo theek hai wo tere galat na ho jaane ko tarasta hai...
aage badh ....uncha uth....pair hai jo chalne ko tarasta hai...
aane de wo jajba rago me...tere ander bi hai wo lahoo 
jo ubalne ke liye tarasta hai...
bahoot ji liye tum naam ke insaan ki tarah
tere ander b ek khuda hai jo bahar aane ko tarasta hai..
jee le jindagi ki fir nahi milega kabhi ye pal...
aur haan jee kuch aise ki tujhe lage 
har koi shakhs tujh jaise jeene ko tarasta hai ....

Emotional Dehydration

I know it is fine to accept that I am still human and i do miss my beloved ones, but what if my beloved ones don't miss me ? I know i voluntarily withdrew from all the relationships to pursue a bigger goal, I accept that I am of the view that emotions and relations are impediments in my way, at least for now.
When I look around when I analyse; the only thing I am sure of is nothing actually matters.I am reminded of the famous poem madhushala..... yes the stars leave the sky but sky never cries for them.
Fall,autumn,winter, spring.....all are bound to come....destined to come.. we just cant ask almighty that I dont like this season to please don't let it come.
I wonder how and why we just want to avoid somethings like a bad phase in a relationship or the stage of being lonely. Nietzsche was right....anything that doesn't kill us makes us stronger. 
I have been wrong in asking for only the pleasant experiences,otherwise how would i knew that i have been in love with the wrong one ? Now at least I know that what kind of friend i definitely don't want.
We must tell ourselves that if we do not figure in somebody's priority list then he/she should not even be there in our options list as well. 
Its our life and we have to make decisions that we want to be the winners and hero in it or we want to be losers,cribbers and all what nobody wants to be but end up being one.
Yes i prefer emotional dehydration than moist eyes.I prefer to be stoic. I prefer u being non existent than not being mine. 
I prefer to be at the top alone than being with the crowd of losers at the bottom.I refuse to have tiny and petty aim of just being yours, no i have lots and lots of other things to aspire for.
Everything said and done...I am wondering that why i started writing this ?? Because you did what you are best at doing : "tried to hurt me". You know how much I loathe ignorance and thats precisely why you do it. 
One thing is clear that we both know each other too well thats why we can hurt each other the most.
But my dear  enough is enough , I am hurt but I am not suffering. This wound will also heal but it will leave yet another scar, now i take them as souvenirs of my lost battles...the battles which i must avoid in future....the emotional stuff which is not my forte. 
Yes your absence have not   killed me so it must have made me strong. 


" nahi ho tum wo jis shakhs ki mujhe talash hai...
 khudi se jo mujhe milwa de aise farishte ka pata chahiye"